Something I can never have.

Have you ever loved? The question is... "Have I ever loved?". Thinking about what happened some time ago makes me say: "No!", or at least not until that day. Again... now with some side platter: Have you ever loved somebody so much that you would consciously let down your guard so low that you would already know at some point that you would end up getting hurt? I did, and in a sick twisted kind of way... it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Remembrance: We knew each other for quite a long time but never exchanged more that a few words... meaningless; we didn't meet very often and when we did it was short and... again... meaningless. One day we met, I kissed her out of the blue, she said "I wasn't expecting this." and I replied "Neither did I.". From that point I never stopped loving her... she never started. We would fuck and get high almost every night and lived the moment like there was no tomorrow. I didn't knew her that well at the time but I could still tell that she was emotionally unavailable... in spite of the fact that she told me she loved me... something restrained me from believing her, or if I did, I knew that it was the thrill of the moment. Then something happened, I got to know her... maybe more than she figured out I did, and something changed... I didn't call her "baby" anymore, she started to become important to me... all of my senses were invaded by her. She is everything I never was and probably never will be; she lives by rules, she has principles and most of all... a conscience, the inner sense of what is right or wrong in her conduct or motives, impelling her toward right action. It was then that I started asking myself: "Could these two totally different worlds collide in perfection?". The answer is: "No.". I still love her and probably always will... but, as fucked up as it may seem, my greatest joy would be to know that she has found someone that is good enough for her... knowing I'll never be. Again... have you ever loved someone so much that knowing she is happy with that perfect somebody else makes you feel happy?